38

 

Next I got John Barton on the phone. He ran a printing company up north.

“Belane here, John…”

“Good to hear from you, Nick. How’s it going?”

“A little slow, John. I need some more information about this Red Sparrow.”

“Well, we want to make the Red Sparrow the logo of our company. Make it really well known. But now I’ve heard there is another Red Sparrow out there somewhere. We need to find it if it’s there.”

“Is that all you’re going on?”

“Well, maybe also a…hunch…”

“You ever seen this Red Sparrow?”

“I hear that it’s been sighted.”

“You hear? You hear where?”

“Secret sources. I can’t divulge too much.”

“Suppose I find this bird? What do you want me to do? Cage it?”

“No, just get me some real evidence that it exists. To satisfy my curiosity.”

“Suppose I never find this bird?”

“You’ll find it if it’s there. I have faith in you.”

“Listen, this is the screwiest case I’ve ever been on.”

“I’ve always told the world that you were a great detective. You’ll prove it for me. You’ll find the Red Sparrow.”

“All right, John. I’ll work on it. But I’m not a kid anymore. I wake up tired. I think I’ve lost a few steps.”

“You’re in your prime. You can do it.”

“All right, John, I’ll give it a go…”

“Great!”

I put the phone down. Well, that was it. But where would I begin?

I decided to try the nearest bar.

 

 

 

It was around 3 p.m. I found a stool and sat down. The bartender came up. Lonely looking guy. Didn’t have any eyelids. Had little green crosses painted on his fingernails. Some kind of nut. There was no avoiding them. Most of the world was mad. And the part that wasn’t mad was angry. And the part that wasn’t mad or angry was just stupid. I had no chance. I had no choice. Just hang on and wait for the end. It was hard work. It was the hardest work imaginable. I forced myself to look at the bartender.

“Scotch and water,” I said.

He just stood there.

“Scotch and water,” I repeated.

“Oh,” he said. Then he trotted off.

I saw her walk in out of the corner of my eye. Why do they say “corner of the eye”? Eyes have no corners. Anyhow, I saw her walk in. An old friend. She took the stool to my right.

“Hello, sucker,” she said, “you buying?”

“Sure, baby.”

It was Lady Death.

“Hey, boy!” I yelled down at the barkeep, “make that two!”

“Huh?” he asked.

“Make that two scotch and waters, please.”

“Uh, o.k.,” he said.

“Whatcha been doin’, fat boy?” Lady asked.

“Solving cases, as per custom.”

“Meaning slow or never.”

“No, baby, no, you see, I’m the best dick in L.A.”

“That’s not saying much.”

“It beats churning butter left-handed.”

“Don’t sass me, fat boy, or I’ll take you out like a light bulb.”

“Sorry, baby, my nerves are shot. Maybe a drink will help.”

And there was the barkeep putting them down before us.

“What happened to your eyelids?” Lady asked him.

“My gas heater exploded this morning…”

“How ya gonna sleep tonight?”

“I’ll wrap a towel around my head.”

“Couldn’t you do that now?” I asked.

“Why?” he asked.

“Never mind…” I paid for the drinks.

I raised my drink. Lady lifted hers.

“Long life,” Lady said.

“Yeah, long life,” I said.

We clicked the glasses and drank.

I reordered…

 

 

 

We’d been sitting there about 30 minutes when somebody else walked in. Another woman. She walked around and sat herself on the stool to my left. Two women meant twice as much trouble as one woman. Now I had trouble on either side. I was in the vise. I was screwed.

The other woman was Jeannie Nitro.

I got the barkeep to make another scotch and water.

“Nicky,” she whispered, “I’ve got to talk to you. Who’s that bitch sitting with you?”

“You’d never guess,” I said.

Then Lady Death was whispering to me, “Who’s that bitch?”

“You’d never guess,” I said.

The drink came and Jeannie tossed it off.

“Well,” I said, “I guess it’s time for introductions…”

I turned to Lady Death.

“Lady, this is Jeannie Nitro…”

Then I turned to Jeannie.

“Jeannie, this is Lady…Lady…”

“Lady d’Heat,” Lady supplied.

They stared at each other.

Now this, I thought, could prove to be very interesting.

I waved the barkeep down for refills…